Reflections

This past week has been full of ups and downs emotionally.
Let me go back to last Sunday. It was the day of our Christmas program in Sacrament meeting, which was scheduled to begin at 9:00. Jeff and I are both members of the Ward choir, who was providing the majority of the program, and we were supposed to be at the church at 8:00. We set our alarms to wake us up early, but then had a hard time getting out of bed. We were still pretty tired after my brother's wedding from the day before.
Suffice it to say, we didn't get to church until 8:40. We joined the choir in running through one or two songs, and then the prelude started. I had to go set up chairs in the Primary room. Jeff came and helped me, but then the 1st counselor in the bishopric had to pull me aside and talk to me about a few Primary matters. It was now 1 or 2 minutes before 9:00.
Unfortunately, I really needed to use the restroom, and I knew I wouldn't have an opportunity during Sacrament meeting. So I ended up missing the very beginning of the meeting and most of the opening song. I was pretty upset that I had to walk up to the stand while the congregation was still singing, because I felt really rude and irreverent. I felt really overwhelmed and almost broke into tears after taking my seat. I was also really exhausted from the activities of the past few days.
I really didn't want to cry, especially in front of the whole ward, so I took some deep breaths and tried to calm myself down. I reminded myself that I was participating in the Christmas program and wanted to help the congregation feel the Spirit. Then the thought crossed my mind that if the Savior was attending our Sacrament meeting, I would be able to calm myself down. After that thought I was finally able to pull myself together.
I was still a little moody during the program, though, and didn't feel the Spirit as I could have. As we approached the end of the meeting, it looked as though we would end about 10 minutes early. I started to worry about what this would mean in Primary and was only half paying attention as a man got up out of his seat among the bishopric and walked to the podium. I turned to look at him and thought, "Hey! That looks like Dallin H. Oaks." Then he started to speak, and I thought, "It even sounds like Elder Oaks."
Yep, I was a little slow... because it was Elder Oaks. I had been sitting a few seats away from an apostle of the Lord this entire time and hadn't even known it! I then remembered the thought I had earlier and realized that it had pretty much come to pass. An apostle is pretty close to having the Savior visit your Sacrament meeting. Apparently they had announced his presence at the beginning of the meeting, when I was in the restroom. I didn't notice him before I sat down because I was embarrassed and kept my eyes on the ground as I found my way to my seat.
It turned out that he didn't have any assignments that Sunday, and when that happens he always attends another ward. I think he knows my bishop - they have season tickets to the Symphony near each other or something like that - so he decided to come to our meeting.
It really put things in perspective for me. I really need to focus on what's most important and not get so caught up in my emotions. I've ridden several of these emotional rollercoasters this past week, and I find myself wanting to blame them on my pregnancy. It's nice to have an excuse, right? But I can still control my actions, and I can seek to be less reactive when I'm feeling emotional.
I'm grateful for Jeff's love, support, and understanding through all of this. But I really do want to do better. I can do better. I will do better.